Spiritual Attention Defecit Disorder...
Jun 8, 2014 22:45:20 GMT -4
evilslave and triniservant like this
Post by reddiechin on Jun 8, 2014 22:45:20 GMT -4
I'm not going lie and say it's easy to fade...some have more trouble than others.
Personally I think that if you're missing meetings and not really "missing" meetings, then that speaks in volumes. Maybe I'm a full-fledged heathen but I never go: "Wow I miss meetings. I think I'm gonna' go tomorrow." Nope - I usually go : "Thank goodness I don't have to go."
I tell my ex-jw friends that I have spiritual A.D.D. I always daydreamed in the hall, conventions and assemblies - if someone asked me what my fave part was I always said the entire thing because I never knew what was going on.
I know...I was a bad jw.
However I've always felt this way...I went along because I didn't want to rock the boat. All my friends were in the religion, my family...why be the black sheep? So I went along with it, truly believing that since I was so "good" things would work out for me eventually. 20-something odd years later I'm sitting in exactly the same hall, in the same state of boredom wondering where the hell my youth went. It's not that I wanted to go out and get drunk in clubs or do drugs or get wild...that isn't me (clubs honestly annoy me sometimes if I'm not with the right people) - but I did have dreams and aspirations that I shelved to dedicate my life to something I had little interest in.
And just like that - I made the decision, walked out the hall in between the theocratic school and never looked back.
Fading was like breathing to me...so easy - but yes there are times of guilt and lonliness. Who ever thought that I'd be desperate to find a buddy to go see a movie with me? I didn't see that one coming. My sibling is abit cold with me now - she gives me that kind of pompous-pity look? You know it, because once upon a time, we used to give that look to others who fell out the truth too.
But once again, even in my darkest hour, I've never wanted to go back.
Yes...you don't quite fit in in "The World" and you don't belong in the hall either, so you're in a social/spiritual limbo - but believe me when I say "YOU ARE NOT ALONE."
Anyone remembers that movie "The Help" ? Well it was set in the 50's about some black maids who secretly put all their experiences in a book. The white people of the South were all in a tizzy over it; they were all angry and upset but you know what...they all read the book too AND they learned alot.
I think all the faded, all the disfellowshipped should come out of our hiding places and voice our tales - I'm sure we've all had experiences (good & bad) that we want to share or just a listening ear sometimes. We have to stop being scared and speak. They're so many of us here in Trinidad but we make ourselves shadows - it's like we're fading into the dark and not into the light.
However I understand the fear and the guilt...brainwash doesn't dissolve in a second. It takes time...
So I hope someone reads this and finds some comfort in my words.
It's not the end of the world unless you think it is....
Personally I think that if you're missing meetings and not really "missing" meetings, then that speaks in volumes. Maybe I'm a full-fledged heathen but I never go: "Wow I miss meetings. I think I'm gonna' go tomorrow." Nope - I usually go : "Thank goodness I don't have to go."
I tell my ex-jw friends that I have spiritual A.D.D. I always daydreamed in the hall, conventions and assemblies - if someone asked me what my fave part was I always said the entire thing because I never knew what was going on.
I know...I was a bad jw.
However I've always felt this way...I went along because I didn't want to rock the boat. All my friends were in the religion, my family...why be the black sheep? So I went along with it, truly believing that since I was so "good" things would work out for me eventually. 20-something odd years later I'm sitting in exactly the same hall, in the same state of boredom wondering where the hell my youth went. It's not that I wanted to go out and get drunk in clubs or do drugs or get wild...that isn't me (clubs honestly annoy me sometimes if I'm not with the right people) - but I did have dreams and aspirations that I shelved to dedicate my life to something I had little interest in.
And just like that - I made the decision, walked out the hall in between the theocratic school and never looked back.
Fading was like breathing to me...so easy - but yes there are times of guilt and lonliness. Who ever thought that I'd be desperate to find a buddy to go see a movie with me? I didn't see that one coming. My sibling is abit cold with me now - she gives me that kind of pompous-pity look? You know it, because once upon a time, we used to give that look to others who fell out the truth too.
But once again, even in my darkest hour, I've never wanted to go back.
Yes...you don't quite fit in in "The World" and you don't belong in the hall either, so you're in a social/spiritual limbo - but believe me when I say "YOU ARE NOT ALONE."
Anyone remembers that movie "The Help" ? Well it was set in the 50's about some black maids who secretly put all their experiences in a book. The white people of the South were all in a tizzy over it; they were all angry and upset but you know what...they all read the book too AND they learned alot.
I think all the faded, all the disfellowshipped should come out of our hiding places and voice our tales - I'm sure we've all had experiences (good & bad) that we want to share or just a listening ear sometimes. We have to stop being scared and speak. They're so many of us here in Trinidad but we make ourselves shadows - it's like we're fading into the dark and not into the light.
However I understand the fear and the guilt...brainwash doesn't dissolve in a second. It takes time...
So I hope someone reads this and finds some comfort in my words.
It's not the end of the world unless you think it is....
